- Listen to your feelings first. When parents are regulated, meaning, calm, cool, and collected, they can be present and attend to their kids fully. But how do we know when we are regulated? Of course, just like children, adult’s self-regulation will often derail when we are hungry or sleep-deprived. This can make it easier to get triggered and generally not be at our best when parenting. But we also need to listen to those subtle nagging feelings or sensations in our body that tells us that something is just “off”. It could be that slight headache or even pit in your stomach that first signals it. Maybe it’s just being downright annoyed. Or perhaps the rhythm of your play is just off, and you’re not feeling particularly jazzed to play with your child. We all have our personal limits. But did you know that some people are better at recognizing those personal limits than others? Recognizing your limits first takes recognizing what your body is trying to tell you – a phenomenon called interoception (an internal awareness of your body’s organs). Read more on how interoception and emotional awareness are connected at Kelly Maher’s blog post: Interoception and Emotional Intelligence | Kelly Mahler Blog (kelly-mahler.com)
2.Don’t put your kids’ needs first. You read that right. I know this one seems counterintuitive (or even selfish) to what we are always taught, which is to always put our kids’ first. But please hear me out. While this seems like common sense to parents, it’s definitely not healthy to do this, and will hurt your child and yourself as a parent in the long run. There are a couple reasons for this: The most obvious is that if you’re constantly dismissing your own needs, you will feel burnout in no time. When caregiver burnout happens, you will have little physical and emotional energy to expend on your children. I like to remind myself of the oxygen mask analogy in the airplane which is to put yours on first and then help those who are younger. If you’re always catering to your children’s every single desire, children feel too much power, which makes them feel unsafe. Essentially there are no boundaries put into place for them to feel secure. That isn’t to say that we shouldn’t pay attention to our children’s needs – they need to have their basic needs met including a safe and nurturing environment at home and opportunities for growth in school, family, and community life. If you’re interested on further reading on setting boundaries for kids while still remaining compassionate, is “No Bad Kids” by Janet Lansbury. She also has a blog with resources, courses, and other valuable information at www.janetlansbury.com.
3. Reprioritize what matters. We all know that our lives change after having kids. Some of them are welcome changes, and others are due to necessity. Perhaps being home more is no problem because you were already a homebody by nature. But what if you were a pretty active socialite before having kids and really miss going out? If you ignore this aspect of your personality for too long, it can lead to unpleasant feelings like burn out and resentment. When people tell you to reprioritize your life as a parent, all too often people think it means drop everything that was important to them pre-parenthood. While no doubt, you will have to make some sacrifices, there are many ways you can fill your cup differently (and even include your child); this will not only make you happier, but a better parent in the end. The truth is, young children typically want to be part of their parents’ world, at least up until a certain age. Take advantage of this stage while they are young. If you are up for socializing, bring your child to social events with other parents – or even non parents if the event is a kid friendly one! Everyone will get joy out of it that way, and you won’t end up neglecting one of the most foundational parts of your being. Take time to meet other parents with similar aged children whether it’s at the playground or even a meetup group. Still others may not have the energy to keep up with social events whatsoever. If you are dealing with multiple kids and/or are working full time, you already know your energy is a resource that can easily become depleted quite easily. Make an effort to carve out even 15 minutes daily just for yourself, hire a babysitter once a month for an adults only gathering or with your spouse, or treat yourself to a spa gift more often than you would pre-parenthood (because you deserve it). I’m the type where I’d rather have more frequent yet shorter self care rituals daily so stress doesn’t add up. But everyone has different thresholds for stress at different seasons of life. Even taking a moment to analyze what it is you need might be where you’re at, and that’s OK too.
4.Help your child problem-solve, but don’t do it for them. When a child encounters a problem and they have a big reaction (i.e. whining, screaming, etc.), there could be a couple things going on. First, consider whether they are hungry, tired, sick, etc. If you rule out all of these factors, and it seems an isolated incident, it could very well be that the problem is too big for them to handle. Some kids have more difficulty with problem-solving than others, especially if there’s issues with attention. However, if it seems to be a widespread pattern, and you know very well that they are capable, consider your reaction to their whining/yelling. Could you be swooping in to help them every time, just to avoid their negative reaction or to save time? For example, if they are capable of putting on their shoes you’ve seen them put on their shoes many times, they might have connected the dots that “If I whine, then parent will help me”. But children are smart and they will find ways to avoid work, especially if they’ve gotten away with it many times in the past. On the other hand, if you’ve been helping them to put on their shoes every morning, and one day you expect them to put it on, of course there will be whining. If it’s a new skill, it’s important to step in and help them. Having patience around teaching kids new skills can be hard, but try having them try a little more by themselves every day. If the problem is more related to disappointment around a change in plans, then you might be dealing with some rigidity issues. Rigidity means approaching something the same way every time, and not being able to see something from a different angle. Some children don’t deal well with change as well as others, and that is fine. But life happens, and if this is something that they are overreacting to the change in plans, consider the magnitude of the change. Of course the more excited they were for the event, the more disappointment they will feel, and that is totally normal. If it’s a weather related event, you could always prepare for the potential disappointment in advance by helping them to think of back up plans. Having them come up with the back up plans is even better, so you know they are invested. You don’t have to “fix” the disappointment by bending over backwards, because they need to learn how to sit with it. This doesn’t mean you think of small ways to soften the blow. Just how adults can’t be happy 100% of the time, we shouldn’t expect our kids to be either. If they don’t want to transition to a different activity, like showering around bedtime, try to ask them questions like, “well, you still have to do it, but how can I make this better or easier for you?” If they are still stumped, you could offer suggestions like music while showering, bath toys, bubbles, or even something that they have never done before in the shower (to make it more exciting). This way, you are teaching them ways to more independently problem-solve in the future instead of just giving them a solution to their problem right away.
5.Maximize their chances of success. Sometimes just authentically believing that your child can do something can do wonders. They will pick up on your energy and feel more confident as a result. But it’s also important to remember to choose activities or tasks for your child that is age appropriate and takes into consideration their mood and how much they’ve already done in one day. If your child had a hard day and they are not acting like themselves, perhaps transitioning to something non preferred (and/or transitioning away from something preferred) will be extra hard. So let’s say you have a bedtime routine that starts promptly at 6pm, but you know they are struggling with something or are extra wound up. You could give them an extra 5 minutes to play, but make sure to preface that with something like: “I’m giving you 5 extra minutes than usual, however, when the timer goes off, we will be all done”. Sometimes, in order to help the child visualize what to do afterwards, I will lay out the exact steps they need to do afterwards. When the timer goes off, you can ask them if they remember the steps. If it’s simple enough, they usually can remember and will be proud to recite it back. The steps can be something like, “turn off the timer, and walk upstairs”. Giving them choices can help to give them an increased sense of control as well.
6.Let them feel how they feel – Remember that it is not your job as a parent to control your child’s emotions. Because we don’t know what our children are truly feeling, or even how big their feelings will be, we have to respect that. It’s even better to expect the pushback so we are not startled ourselves by it. Sometimes we ourselves are triggered by their whining or big emotions. Perhaps we were shamed as kids ourselves, and are more familiar with reactions like: “I can’t believe you are overreacting to this!” We don’t want to dismiss their emotions. After all, being a child is hard! They want to test their independence while also realizing that they need help. We also want to get curious about our overreactions to them. Is it because we are comparing them to how an adult typically reacts (or should react)? Often, when we argue or get combative with a child about how they are feeling, they feel invalidated, which makes them want to act out even more, just to be heard (making the behavior even worse). Even if we try to appeal to their logic, they will not receive the information if they are not calm. By taking a moment to acknowledge how they feel, and tuning into their emotions, we establish a connection. Through that connection, we are literally allowing the child’s fired up nervous system a chance to calm down. In addition, we are providing a model example of how to cope with one’s emotions, which they will eventually internalize as an adult later in life. A great resource for brain based strategies on how to nurture your child’s emotional and cognitive development is the book, The Whole-Brain Child 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, by Daniel Siegel, which I highly recommend.
7. Increase your quality of self care. Sometimes, when we become parents, the time that we used to have for self care goes out the window. But it’s not realistic nor is it healthy to just give up completely on any type of self care – even in the name of being a good parent! If we are burned out, our kids will surely feel it. Sure, when you were single, you could probably get a spa treatment on a whim, which seems like a total luxury. Now, you might have to schedule it weeks in advance and put it on your calendar. You also might have to cut out extra activities that were boring or even toxic to begin with, to make time for things that truly make you feel replenished physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It might also be the case that the old ways you were relaxing just don’t fully relax you anymore, and you need to try something different. Maybe in your non-parent days, you simply turned on the tv to shut out the rest of the world. But now, maybe your child has taken over the tv, and now you only have time for a little tv at night. Maybe you’re left feeling numb and unfulfilled now with TV, and you might have to choose something totally different to relax. Ironically, parenthood could be a great opportunity to explore new interests or even old hobbies that you put on the back burner. The bonus is that you can involve your kids’ in these interests if it’s applicable. If you enjoy playing music, try having them tinker with a xylophone to start a little “band”. If it’s artwork, try having them color alongside you. If you’re feeling swamped by chores, more likely than not, your child will love to help you out (i.e. think spraying the table/windows, wiping the counters, putting away groceries, etc.). This will help lighten the load for you, while also teaching your child valuable skills they will need one day.